I am mom to two teenage boys – ages 16 and 19.
They are each amazing humans; kind, caring, talented, compassionate, sensitive, creative, and bright. They also have crippling levels of anxiety. And ADHD.
We have each survived the traumas we have experienced in our own ways and we have accepted the ways that each one of us carries our grief and loss with us, but it doesn’t look “normal” to the outside world.
They have remarkable adaptation skills. They can look and act like “normal, every day teenagers.” They work hard to keep their secrets. Very few people know how much work goes in to keeping it all together.
My boys have retreated into fantasy worlds of anime and video games. They have online friends, but very little trust for friends “IRL.” They are guarded. They secretly long for the approval of others, but will not reach out for it. If you want to connect with them, you have to wait for them to be ready. And any redirection or feedback is interpreted as a breach of trust – a signal that you weren’t really able to accept them as they are. So, back in they will go.
There is so much research to support what trauma does to the brain. Teenage brains are actually more suceptible to trauma and it can lead to life-long struggles with anxiety, depression, substance abuse, or sleep disorders. When we consider how adults are also impacted by trauma, it becomes even more apparent that the whole family system is impacted, and may never return to the “normal” they experienced before.
So, how can we support ourselves and our teens when we have experienced trauma or significant loss?
- Be supportive. Let your teen know that whatever they are feeling is okay and that you are there for them when and if they are ready to talk.
- Be understanding. Avoid pushing teens to share on your timetable and give them space to process what they are feeling.
- Be there. Spend time with your teenager – even if you are doing things that they love and you do not. I have watched a lot of anime just to spend time with my boys. Even if they are upstairs and I am downstairs, they know I am close and that makes a huge difference to them.
- Be proactive. Connect your teenager with a counselor so they can build an objective relationship with someone who is outside of the circle of loss. I have connected the counseling requirement to things that they want, like cell phones – I will pay the cell phone bill as long as you go to counseling.
- Be okay with yourself. People who are outside of the circle of loss can make judgments and assumptions about what “normal” should look like. You are never going back to the normal you had before. Know that and accept that. Being okay with yourself and your “new normal” will help your teenagers adjust as well.
Our new normal required me to make adjustments in my work life in addition to our family life. As we all adjust to our new paradigm, the most important thing is that I love my kids just the way they are. I am so proud of their strength, their persistence, their fortitude, and their courage and I am so proud to be the mother of these two remarkably resilient young men.