I grew up believing that the bible was history, that adults knew what was right, and that the world was a beautiful place full of love and wonder and goodness.
Most of my adult life has been an unlearning of what I grew up believing. For someone who feels things very deeply, that has been difficult.
So much of my life was rooted in the church. I truly believed that I had a reciprocal relationship with God and with the Catholic Church. In my twenties, I was looking for a sense of identity and I found it in a “good Catholic boy.” While I found an identity, it wasn’t mine, and I left to try and find a truer sense of self.
I found myself in my thirties and forties. Had a beautiful family and a beautiful life. I found that I could connect my musical identity with my need for a relationship with the church in doing church music. I disconnected with things about the church that I found challenging or I didn’t believe in, and I believed in the music and the people who were right in front of me. When my life came crashing down, I left the church.
I am not looking for anything in telling you this. I am simply trying to make sense of this world I find myself living in. I cannot abide by the ways that the church has discriminated against, persecuted, and abused people. I cannot have a relationship with an organization that still sees sin in the actions of others and not in its own actions. And yet, I miss everything about it. And in so many ways, I am still judging myself according to “the church.” I guess that is no different than how we continue to hold ourselves to what our grandmother or great-grandmother would have expected of us many years ago.
I think my grandmother would have told me to stop all of this drama and move on. She was pretty great. And she believed in me 1000%, so she was always so affirming for me. (Plus, she was Episcopalian and not Catholic).
I’m not sure if I have a theme for this post other than life is super messy and no one has it figured out. And anyone who says they do, is lying. After all, not all of the gospels written were included in the bible, which just underlines the fact that no one has found the definitive “truth.”
It’s okay for you (and for me) to keep searching.